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MEANWHILE....

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!" The sound of my own Scream ripped into my ears so loud that it echoed back and made my eardrums do a weird buzzing noise, the kind of buzzing when you put a q tip inside your ears and you hear a bunch of random Tones and other things, the buzzes made me Zone back in and I Saw BILLIAM JAMESWATER comig right at me with a huge red toaster, one of those big ones you can put like 4 loaves of bread in at the same time!! ANd it was attached to a Car Battery on his back wth jumper cables and the toaster slot was glowing bright red, Billiam was going to try to toast me!!

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! WHAT THE HELL, WHY IS THERE A TOASTER???" I yelled as I tried to get out of the way, "YOU SPACED OUT AND MISSED THE ANNOUNCER, THIS IS THE APPLIANCE ROUND!!!" Billiam roared and then he jumped at me full blast, the toaster was blinking on and off really crazily because he was racking the toast bouncer up and down and making the Coils go on and off, I rolled off to the siode just in time and Billiam crashed into the mats, he hit so hard the Announcer fell off the stage and we heard the microphone squeal and a bunch of people in the audience started rioting for his Wallet. meanwhile the house music ramped up really loud with deep bass and an old song from the ancient 2000's came on, a battle theme , I think it was called "Guile's Theme" from an old fighting style called "Street Fighter." Me and Billiam stared at each other and he clicked the toaster on and off again and crushed its metal with his bear hands, "I will cremate you Steve Jenkins!!!" I Yelped with fear and looked around for the Grab Box, it was the box where you could get an appliance for fighting your opponent, it was right behind me so I did a Shoulder Roll and landed next to it and started trying to find something to use, the first thing my hand grabbed was one of those crank mixers with 2 beaters like grandmas use to make cookies, I Spun around to use it but I was too late!! The toaster was coming at me, coming fast, and.........

CLANK

The side of my head sounded like crashing Metal nd I felt a bunch of bread crumbs spray in my face as I went down HARD onto the mat, I saw a bunch of stars in front of my face and I Tried to turn over to get out of the way, Billiam was coming down at me, I Jammed the mixer forward into his chest hair and started cranking the beaters as fast as I could which made Billiam yell on account of his Chest hair was getting tangled up in it, he ripped the Mixer out of my hand and also his chest hair and threw it into the audience, then like 9 people started rioting to get to keep the mixer with hair in it, they were true fans. 

"YOURE GONAA HAVE TO TRY A LOT HARDER THAN THAT IF YOU WANT A BELT STEVE JENKINS" Roared Billiam, right then I did a Sweeping Wind kick and racked him right in the nads with my Fighting Boot, Billiam howled with Agony and fell down on his knee, right when that happened I Dodged out of the way and I ran back to the Grab Box, I dumped a bunch of useless stuff out and then I Saw a Salad Ninja and 2 onions and 2 radishes, the Salad Ninja had batteries inside of it so I cut it on and jammed in the Onions and beets, then I CHARGED at Billiam who had just got up and I started Spraying him with onion and Turnip parts while he was preparing to set me on fire with the toaster!!

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!!!!!!" Screamed Billiam "THERES ONION AND TURNIPS IN MY FACE AND ALSO MY EYES!!!" Then he Tried to use the toaster to do a Lotus Javelin at me but he couldnt see  what he was doing and all of the sudden the jumper cables RIPPED off the Toaster with all kinds of sparks and the cooking p[ieces turned off, Billiam screamed with Rage and started swinging the toaster over his head like a slingshot!! The Next thing I knew the Toaster was coming flying at me and.......................

CLANK

I Heard the metal parts explode into a Billion pieces as I Went down, down hard, toaster parts went everywhere and I Fell to the mat sobbing in paind and embarassment, but then I remembered, Billiam doesnt have a weapon anymore, I Got up to shoot more Salad Ninja at him but I was out of Ammo, I chucked the Salad Ninja into the audience and started another riot, then I Went over to the Grab Box and looked for anything, something I could use to stop the Freight Train. Then I Saw a Pasta Maker and I grabbed it, I turned around and Billiam was doing a Yoga Torpedo right at me!!!! I Charged up a huge Zen scream and I Jumped up into the air and tackled Billiam right before he hit me, we both went down HARD and I Was on his back and I Grabbed the Pasta Maker and started cranking Billiam's hair into it.

"OOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWW THATS MY HAIR WHAT THE HELL IM GOING TO RIP THE BONES OUT OF YOUR FACE!!!" Came Billiam and he kept trying to hit me from Behind while I was on his back, I felt a million stabs from the Meat Shredders he had got out of the box and put on his hands but I didn't care, I Held on tight and I started to summon my inner Zen, I Knew if I was going to win the round I Had to cogitate all of my powers into Focus, it was the only way. Billiam was swinging his arms everywhere and I was riding his back like a bucking Bronco, all of the strobe lights were goiung off and the fog machines were sprayingh as we battled, I felt a huge Zen focus start to come into my Mind and my eyes started to glow nmeon blue in the rink and Billiam was starting to get wore down, I think I am going to be able to take him onto the mat and win this round!! All of a Sudden the Belt was in reach, I just had to win 2 of 3 rounds and I thought this was a sure thing but then...........

GEORGE FOREMAN GRILL was coming at me, it was a giant metal plate/box that I think was an ancient Earth idol and now it was coming over Billiam's head and smashing into my....................

CLANKBASHCRUNCH

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!" I Screamed, my face was on Fire, because the grill had been On and also because I Had got hit in the face with a grill, I exploded down onto the Mats, I could see a big spray of blood everywhere from my nosebleed and everything looked all blurry and weird, I couldn't see Jameswater, didn't know where.....

"HAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGHHHH!!!!!"

WHUMPCRACKCRACKSPLINTERCRACK

All of the sudden Billiam was Body Slamming me from above, I heard my legs get sundered from his huge weight and I Shrieked like I Had just got kicked in the balls except it was my legs and they were broken, I did like a 5 minute scream/barf from the pain, the crowd was going crazy and  bell in the rink went DING DING DING DING DING and the Announcer announced "BILLIAM JAMESWATER HAS THE PIN, BILLIAM CAN DEMAND DO'OKUU FOR THE END OF THE ROUND IF STEVE JENKINS DOES NOT RISE!!!!"

"I Demand DO'OKUU!!!" Screamed Billiam, then he body slammed on my legs again and I Heard more snap crackle pop sounds and I let out a Crazy yell that sounded like primitive violence except there was a bunch of pain barf and blood that came out with it. "CALL THE MATCH, HE WILL NOT RISE AGAIN, HE IS SUNDERED!!"

The Announcer ran over and started slapping the mat next to me, "STEVE JENKINS YOU MUST RISE OR DO'OKUU WILL BE JUDGED TO THE JAMESWATER CHAMPION. YOU HAVE TEN SECONDS." Then Billiam walked over and jammed a Salad Spinner inside my unitard and yanked the pull cord, it spun around a bunch and gave me an atomic wedgie but I didnt care, I laid on my face all busted and broken and dishonored, I had Failed. I Sobbed into the mats as the Announcer yelled the count down into the rink, gagging mourningly, then I turned my head to Look into the audience, the audience that I Had failed...and then I Saw it...

5 rows behind the people who were Rioting over Gently Used appliances and Billiam Jameswater's chest hair, I saw 4 familiar faces behind my tears, 4 faces I could never forget Sitting in the row....I Couldn't believe what I was seeing......

.......Master Honda eating a chilli cheese dog and cheering with his big huge fist in the air.........
.......Sensei Ronald with his feet up On the chair in front of him and a cigarette in his mouth..............
.......Jingles the Clown with his Clown Suit on and a bowl of Cocaine and a balloon............
.........and even Mr Chuckles, he was there too making Monkey faces and drinking a Beer and slapping the back of the head of the Guy in the row in front of him........

All of these Special People had came so far out to Twycross just to make sure I did an Honor to them and got my Black Belt the way I was Destined to do, and if I didnt get up........I would be Dishonored forever..........

.....but......
......so much pain.............

"THREE!"
"TWO!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I bellowed and I Got up onto my broken legs, I heard the crunching and grinding as they broke even more and I Barfed violently everywhere due to the pain, then I looked the announcer and I said "I DEMAND CONTINUATION!!!"

"NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Said Billiam Jameswater and he Ran at me, I dont know how I Had did it but the next thing I knew I grabbed the Salad Spinner out of the ass of my Unitard and I SMASHED Billiam under the chin with it, the Salad Spinner exploded into a billion pieces and Billiam FLEW back against the Rink's turnbuckle and flipped over backwards and fell onto the floor. 19 people ran over and started Rioting for a piece of his Celebrity. WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS came on the Rink's radio really loud and suddenly a super bright spotlight chunked on and lit me up. I Looked around in Terror.

"The First point goes to STEVE JENKINS!! Now it is time for INTERMISSION. Next up: the ANIMAL ROUND." Said the Announcer, then he dropped the mic on the floor of the rink and left to go have a smoke. Billiam Jameswater crawled back into the rink with a look of Rage and blood.

"I AM GOING TO PAINT THESE WALLS WITH YOUR BLOOD!!!" he roared, then he went over to his corner and some old lady came out and started hitting him with an Umbrella, I don't know what hat was all about. I staggered into my corner of the rink, still stumping on broken shearing legs. I needed something to kill the pain. But there was no Medicine in the corner where my stool was, there was only a towel. The pain was becoming more than I could bear. Nearby a Microwave sat imperiously in the Grab Box. I hobbled over to it and plugged it up to the car battery and set it for low Power. If I timed it right, I could use its waves to temporarily sedate the pain center of my brain. If I was lucky, the pain center would be numb for a time. I did not waste any time making the mods I would need.....

5 MINUTES LATER....

The micowave numbing had been a success. It had only taken me 5 minutes to pull the Magnetron out of its insides and press it on my left temple, where the tinkezic nerve of the brain is. The radiation waves temporarily caused it disruption, which made me unable to feel pain. Because I had used a microwave it was not preciese. The left side of my face was also numb and I was drooling out of the left side of my face and deaf in my left ear, and I couldn't see color in my left eye. But I didn't care. I could move like I needed to, even with the loud grinding of my bones breaking more as I ran into the Middle of the rink.

Then all of a sudden the House Lights went out and blood red Arena lights came on. Fire shot up the sides of the Rink and a laughing skull could be heard, a Smoke machine came on and a giant cage got craned down over top of the Rink. The Announcer came back out and grabbed his microwave. Then He realized thats not what he meant to Grab and he chucked that into the audience where I heard some lady Scream.

"AUUUUUGH MY FACE!!!!"

Then the Announcer got out his Microphone and started talking into it.

"NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE ANIMAL ROUND. STEVE JENKINS HAS 1 POINT. THERE ARE 2 POINTS LEFT. 1 MAN LEAVES WITH HONOR AND A LIFETIME BELT MEMBERSHIP TO THE DOWNSTAIRS GYM. 1 MAN LEAVES WITH DISHONOR AND MUST CLEAN THE LOCKER ROOM. COMBATANTS!!!!!!!!! PREPARE YOUR ANIMALS FOR WARFARE!!!!!! FIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!"

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Meanwhile...

Looter Warehouse, Haven
Twycross - Lyran Commonwealth
December 12, 3029
_______________________________________________

"Really?" Claire began, her voice brimming with enthusiasm. "He is a big one, I wouldn't mind going a round or two with him."

Bishop raised an incredulous eyebrow.

"But, later," the woman continued, her voice becoming serious once again. "We have business to discuss first."

The sound of boots crunching on broken pavement drew my attention toward the hole in the wall of the warehouse, where I spotted Nick Schuster slowly making his way toward us.

"Oh, hi, Blondie, I'm assuming you came to bargain, too? Or are you looking for another brick to the head?" Claire enthused. Nick cast our assailant a resentful glare, rubbing a swollen cheek and glancing back and forth between me and Lieutenant Jaeger.

"Easy, ma'am, he's just getting out of the open. I don't think you can fault him for that," I explained. Turning back toward Claire, I continued. "Speaking of getting out of the open, I have a feeling that we're all on a relatively abbreviated timetable now."

"You're not kidding, Captain," Alyssa's voice suddenly crackled in my headset. "I managed to break into the local comms, and I'm detecting a police response - or what passes for one - headed in your direction. They're coming from the underground, so I wouldn't rely on keeping an ear out for sirens as your bug out signal. There's also a local militia team reporting that they're rolling a 'technical' from the train station, which is about eight minutes from your current position."

"A 'technical?'" I asked.

"An improvised fighting vehicle," Nick interjected, walking over to us and hurling another glower at Claire. "In the LCAF, we called them non-standard tactical vehicles, or NSTVs."

"Oooh! Are the local yokels coming over to play? I wonder which one they'll be driving? There's that shitty pickup truck with the AC/20 in the bed and the machine guns on the hood, or there's the battle bus," Claire remarked with a gleam in her eye. "That one's badass."

"Control, did you get all that?" I asked, tapping my headset to activate its external speaker. Even by way of editorializing, our new acquaintance was unintentionally giving us valuable tactical information. "You're on broadcast now, by the way."

"I got it," Alyssa replied. "Judging by the way they're talking, I'm going to speculate that what they're bringing is the 'battle bus.' Do you want me to put a bird up to confirm?"

"Do it," I responded. "We have the package - most of it, anyway - and we're going to need exit advisement. No sense in being subtle at this point - the cat's out of the bag now anyway. Just make sure the drone's not covered in Crayven Corporation branding. We'll never heard the end of that."

"Roger that, Eden. We'll have wheels up shortly. Get ready to clear out of there."

"Acknowledged," I answered.

"I like her," Claire sighed with a toothy, wild-eyed grin. "She sounds like one of those nerdy people that can also probably kick someone's ass. Anyway, you better get to negotiating. If the battle bus gets here before we have an arrangement, all bets are off."

I looked toward Lieutenant Jaeger, who responded with a defeated shrug. Claire was well aware that she had me over a barrel, and it was pissing me off. We didn't have time to simply take her into custody and interrogate her until she gave us Octavia's location, and leaving the Baroness behind wasn't an option - as much as some on the crew might regard that as an improvement. I was going to have to go along with the woman's demands, whether I liked it or not, and deal with the long-term implications before we got off the ground.

"It seems your timing is impeccable," I replied. "What are your terms?"

"I thought you'd come around," Claire grinned. "I'm a simple businesswoman. You guarantee me passage off this planet, and I'll hand over your Baroness."

"That's it? So all we need to do is get you into orbit and then we can put you overboard in a life boat?" I replied curtly, gesturing to Bishop and Nick to ready the APC for departure. 

"Oh, no, I need to go somewhere. Your Baroness said you're headed for the Sarna March. I think I want to go there." Claire answered, watching as Lieutenant Weyland and Schuster turned the APC around and prepared its weapons. The heavy drone of a large internal combustion engine began drawing near. We had only seconds left.

"How do you know we won't just leave you by the side of the road the minute you hand over Octavia?" I asked.

"Because," the woman smirked, "I don't think you want Irian Technologies hunting you and the...what did you call it? The 'Crayfish Corporation?'"

"Crayven Corporation," I clarified.

"...hunting you and the Crayven Corporation to the ends of the universe for stealing a bunch of their stuff. I've put measures in place to ensure that the word gets out even in the event of my untimely demise. Just meet my terms, Captain, and this will all blow over. I'm just asking for a ride."

I cast Claire a resigned frown. "How can I turn down an offer with such favorable terms as 'getting my associate back' 'not getting the crew massacred by a lynch mob,' and 'not being exterminated by a major cartel?'"

"I knew you'd come around, Captain Maxwell. You seem like you've got a good head on your shoulders. It makes sense to want to keep it attached," the woman grinned, bounding toward the APC. Bishop let out a cautionary yell. I motioned for him to let Claire board the vehicle and keyed my headset with an exasperated sigh.

"Eden to Control," I radioed.

"Go ahead."

"We're evac'ing now. Once that bird is up, I need a tactical sitrep and direct safe route to the spaceport. Alert Captain Harlow to have the ship on hot standby to get out of the world as soon as we're aboard. Recovery of Exile is in progress. We are coming in plus one," I advised, moving toward the APC with Lieutenant Jaeger.

"Plus one?" Chase responded. "Do you need a detail on standby for your arrival?"

"Negative," I replied, stepping into the artificial illumination of the armored vehicle's crew bay. "I'll explain everything when we get there. Is Dionysus back from his....whatever it is?"

"Not yet," Alyssa answered. "Do you want me to recall him?"

"If he's busy throwing punches, I doubt he has his comm unit. Go ahead and roll the Swift Wind to the 'Dust Up Dome' to retrieve him," I advised.

"We can do that, but we're not going to have much time to search for him based on what I'm seeing with the tac situation," Chase responded. "Any chance you can get someone over there to find him ahead of extraction?"

"I'll do it," Schuster volunteered. "The arena's only a few blocks away. We shouldn't risk taking the APC there, but I'm pretty sure I can get across town without being noticed."

"Good man," I nodded, unlatching a laser rifle from the APC's compartment wall and passing it to Nick. "Approved. Be safe out there."

"You got it," Schuster acknowledged, bounding out of the APC and into the street.

"Control, Rebus has the extraction prep in process. We're departing the warehouse to retrieve Exile now. Have that exit route ready for us."

With that, the Hover APC gave a bone-jarring lurch as it screamed out into the alley in a desperate flight to recover Octavia before it was too late.

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Looter Warehouse, Haven
Twycross - Lyran Commonwealth
December 12, 3029

The APC roared to life as it zoomed down the narrow roads. Good. They hadn't called my bluff. A ganger without her gang - how much attention could I really get?  Still, it was worth it to see the panic on their faces.  Seems I had myself a ride out.  And from the Trids, nobles were used to being captured, so the bitchy Baroness shouldn't be too upset.  Blondie - Rebus, from the sounds of it - headed off somewhere, leaving me uncomfortably hostage-less until we obtained my current prize. Though "prize" was stretching it a bit.

"Turn right he- or... well, I guess the next one. You look tough, wanna spar? I promise I'll try not to kill you by mistake!"  I looked up hopefully at the stranger driving, this... huh. Didn't know his name.  "I think I'll call y--- oof!"

The big guy grunted before throwing the APC into a sharp turn at the next right, cutting me off mid-sentence as I slid into the bossy guy from earlier.  

"Sorry, Boss."  At least, I assumed he was the boss from the way everyone deferred to him.  Strange, considering the other one looked stronger, but then again, who could tell?  Gabs was weaker than Wrath, and likely me, and we still had to put up with him.  I peered curiously at the Boss, trying to read him.  "Captain Maxwell, huh?"

"Yes."

A curt answer.  Fair enough, considering I had bludgeoned two of his crew with a brick or a wall.  Couldn't fault him for that.  "Military then?"

"Are we close to where the Baroness is?" he asked.

I pouted at the lack of banter.  He really didn't know how to have any fun, focusing on business. Even the driver still looked serious   "We're not being shot at, we can-- oh hey, there it is!"

I opened the door, tucking and rolling out before hopping to my feet and heading towards the dumpster as the APC screeched to a halt.  Some sputtered shouting came from the APC's occupants that I ignored.  Peeking behind the dumpster, I paused as I noted a severe lack of any body.

This...could prove slightly troublesome.  I glanced over my shoulder at the Captain person.

"Oy, Boss?  How badly did you want that one back?"

Edited by Claire Voltaris
Extra ending spaces
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Somewhere behind a dumpster
Twycross - Lyran Commonwealth
December 12, 3029

 

Pain.

A sharp, piercing pain radiated through my head as I sat up, dying down to a dull throb within a few minutes.  A concussion?  Perhaps.  Either way... where was I?

The stench was horrible. Rotting food, sour milk, rancid smells that I didn't care to identify.  As my vision cleared I could see what looked like a dumpster to my right, with the brick wall responsible for my headache to my left.

With a groan, I got to my feet, holding on to the offending wall for support as I shuffled out to the street.  Dried blood caked my cheek, and I counted myself lucky that none of the subdermal plates seemed damaged as I moved onward, looking for a better place to hole down in and reach out to the others.  I found a crumbling bit of wall and ducked in - just in time, as the roar of a vehicle sounded nearby.  

To my surprise, it was our APC.  Any relief was quickly killed, however, by the sight of my captor with them, jumping out of the moving vee and bounding over to the dumpster.  A familiar face soon followed, and I stepped out from my crevice to stand upright, trying to minimize the appearance of needing support on the wall.

"Negotiating with terrorists, Captain?"

"Baroness!"  The Captain looked relieved, though the girl by the dumpster looked mildly disappointed.

"Oy.  You were supposed to stay there until I came back for you," she said, scowling.  "I hid you there for a reason."

"And what reason would that be?"

She blinked, looking confused. "To keep you hidden.  You really want to be unconscious out in the open? That's just asking to be robbed, or worse.  I'm not a monster."

"Not a mon--" Sputtering, I turned to Maxwell.  "She beat my head against a wall until I passed out. Why are you working with her? Detain her, leave her for the authorities, do something!"

"It wasn't anything personal. You should have given me the earpiece when I asked for it."

"Both of you, stop.  We have to move before the locals move in."  Captain Maxwell looked at both of us sternly, gesturing to the vee.

Warily moving to the APC, I held my chin up, shooting Maxwell a dark look. "We will discuss this at length later, Captain."

The girl grinned and tossed a loose piece of brick in her hand, pocketing it.  "You really sure you want this one back? I'm a better fighter obviously, and less grumpy."  At my glare she laughed, and hopped back into the front seat.

This crew...

Edited by Baroness Octavia Incendio
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MEANWHILE, at the Dust Up Dome....

 

“Stop it Ba Ba, you’re embarrassing me!”

 

WHACK WHACK WHACK

 

“You embarrass yourself, Billiam Fitzyamato Jameswater, losing to that pipsqueak!” Ba Ba suddenly whirled around and whacked the beehive with her umbrella instead of me. “It’s almost time for the animal round! Now take these bees and make your Ba Ba proud!”

 

I took the travel hive back to the starting zone and waited for the next round to start. The bees were buzzing like a deranged fire alarm, and every time they started to calm down I slapped the side of the hive. I needed them alert and pissed off.

 

Steve was messing with the appliance box on the other side of the rink. It looked like he was trying to plug the microwave parts into his head. Mid-match cybernetic upgrades were against the rules, but he didn’t seem to be getting anywhere with it so I let it slide. The little sneak had sucker-punched me once, but he couldn’t pull that off twice, especially after his leg snapped like a kit kat bar when I body slammed him. Steve’s luck was about to run out.

 

The announcer got back up on stage to announce the next bout. "NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE ANIMAL ROUND. STEVE JENKINS HAS 1 POINT. THERE ARE 2 POINTS LEFT. 1 MAN LEAVES WITH HONOR AND A LIFETIME BELT MEMBERSHIP TO THE DOWNSTAIRS GYM. 1 MAN LEAVES WITH DISHONOR AND MUST CLEAN THE LOCKER ROOM. COMBATANTS!!!!!!!!! PREPARE YOUR ANIMALS FOR WARFARE!!!!!! FIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!"

 

I screamed in battle rage and charged at Steve while swinging the travel hive around wildly by its’ handle. Steve ran in terror and shrieked, “I OBJECT!!!!”

 

Just as I was about to open the beehive, the announcer said “TIME OUT. STEVE JENKINS, WHERE ARE YOUR BATTLE ANIMALS?”

 

“That’s the problem, your announcership, my battle gorilla ditched me!”

 

“RETURN TO YOUR CORNERS. STEVE’S GORILLA MUST RETURN TO THE RINK IN THE NEXT FIVE MINUTES, OR THE MATCH WILL NOT GO ON.”

 

The audience shouted a bunch of stuff like “BOO” and “what the HELL I paid fifty Twibucks for these tickets!” and “I’M GONNA KILL YA” and threw empty drink cups and wadded up food wrappers at the announcer. A few people accidentally hit each other with their gross food wrappers instead and started brawling. The announcer went backstage like nothing was wrong - he must be used to the audiences being crazy. Then people had no one to throw trash at but each other.

 

“THE ONLY WAY THE MATCH CAN GO ON IS IF THE GORILLA RETURNS TO THE RINK,” the announcer said over the amplifier system. “YOU HAVE FOUR MINUTES TO FIND AND RETURN IT.”

 

Some of the brawls in the audience stopped and others kept going, and the people who had stopped fighting looked around. “OVER THERE” one guy shouted and jumped up and down pointing. “NEXT TO THE GUY WITH THE BIG RED HAIR!!!”

 

A swarm of people rushed in the general direction the guy had pointed, and there really was a big ape sitting in the audience next to a guy with a big red curly hairdoo. I couldn’t really see what was going on, but there was a bunch of shouting and ape noises and clangs and then the gorilla went gorillaing down the bleachers and back into the rink, pursued by some raggedy looking spectators waving canes and baseball bats.

 

The stadium clock was counting down, and Steve’s five minutes to get his gorilla back were almost up. Ba Ba bravely stepped in front of the charging animal, trying to delay it by the extra few seconds we needed, because a win is still a win no matter how you get it. But the savage beast shoved her aside, slammed the cage door closed behind it and slumped down against the wall like it was gonna take a nap.

 

“YOU’LL PAY FOR THAT!” I bellowed and ran across the rink to help Ba Ba.

 

“Get your hiney back in your corner, Billiam, Victory is at hand!” Ba Ba shouted. I obeyed, and a few moments later I saw her beating her way through the crowd with her umbrella. I was relieved that she’d survived the gorilla attack.

 

The announcer peeked out from where he’d been hiding, and cautiously walked back to the announcer microphone. “THE ANIMAL ROUND WILL NOW COMMENCE!” he announced. “FIGHT!!!!!”

 

I roared and charged at Steve and his wicked war beast and spiked the beehive at the ground at their feet. It busted open and the bees swarmed out and Steve went “AAAAAAAAAHHHHHAAAAAAAGGGHHH” and the gorilla made monkey noises and they both ran all around and swatted at the bees.

 

I chased after the gorilla. Steve might be my opponent, but the gorilla hurt Ba Ba and I was going to get Revenge. When I caught up with it the bees started buzzing around me too and bouncing off my arms, but I didn’t care, I was out for blood. I punched the stupid gorilla in the butt five times until it finally turned around to fight like a man.

 

The gorilla roared and bared its’ fangs. I punched it in the face. It grabbed me around the neck and tried to pick me up, but I kicked it in the nads as it was trying to lift me and it let go and dropped to the ground, rolling around and howling like a howler monkey.

 

“NOOOOOOOOOO,” Steve yelled from the other side of the cage. “I’ll save you, Mister Chuckles!”

 

“FOUL!” the announcer called. “NO HITTING BELOW THE BELT!”

 

“It’s not wearing a belt, you crosseyed cheat!” Ba Ba screeched and started running up the bleachers toward the announcer’s box, brandishing her umbrella. “I’ll call your manager! I’ll report you to the head of the d’juulu commission!”

“OVERTURNED, PROCEED WITH THE MATCH,” the announcer shouted hurriedly.

 

Steve ran towards me, with a couple bumblebees still trailing behind him. Most of the stupid fuzz bugs had already given up and flew off, but they’d given the asshole gorilla a nasty sting on the nose so at least they weren’t entirely useless.

 

I yelled at the gorilla “THIS IS FOR MY BA BA!!!” and kicked it in the gut so that it would know not to fuck with us. Then I charged at Steve.

 

“PREPARE TO MEET YOUR DOOM!” I bellowed.

 

“aaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAIIIIEEEEEE” Steve squeaked and turned and ran the other way.

 

I did a flying leap into the air. “I’m sorry, Mister Chuckles!” Steve cried as my shadow loomed over him. I grabbed him around the shoulders and we somersaulted to the ground. Steve landed on top and tried to twist out of my grasp. I wrapped my arm around his throat in a headlock and rolled over on top of him. The announcer ran over to the side of the cage and started the countdown.

 

“TEN! NINE!”

 

Steve’s gorilla sat up and looked around half-dazed.

 

“EIGHT! SEVEN!”

 

“Mister… Chuckles…” Steve gasped. That gorilla was Steve’s only hope, and my only risk of losing.

 

“SIX! FIVE!”

 

The gorilla looked at us, scratched its butt, and then got out a cigarette.

 

“FOUR! THREE!”

 

I shoved Steve’s face into the floor. “TASTE YOUR DEFEAT!!!” I roared.

 

“TWO!”

 

“I’m too young to taste defeat!” Steve sobbed.

 

“ONE! STEVE JENKINS, YOU HAVE LOST THE SECOND ROUND OF THE MATCH! BILL THE BEAST IS VICTORIOUS!” A fog horn blared.

 

“VICTORY!!!!” Ba Ba screamed and banged her umbrella on the bars of the battle cage.

 

“YEAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!” I shouted and jumped up and danced around in glory. The crowd went wild. Steve didn’t even get up, he just made a weird noise like he was barfing or something. It was gross.

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I moaned and barfed into the mats, it was Gross because my lips were on the floor and it made the Barf do tidal waves to the left and to the right and also I tasted some of it, it tasted like Defeat, but I was too Sundered to move. I heard the TV commercials come on the Rink radio and then the Announcer said, "AND NOW, THE TRAP ROUND!! THIS IS THE FINAL BATTLE THAT WILL GIVE VICTORY TO ONE PERSON AND DEFEAT TO THE OTHER!! CONTENDERS!! ARE YOU READY!!!"

"Mmmmff no I need time, I have to Recover, we need a intermission!!" I Said, I rolled over on my back and stared up at the Rink lights, I think I felt some stool come out of my unitard, but I couldnt tell on account of the amount of Pain I was in.

"NO INTERMISSION!!" Said Billiam Jameswater, he came over and stood over me and stared down, "HE'S FINE!!!" he Yelled.

"No WAIT I have to get medicals for my injuries, I Cant go on like this!!!" I Yelled. "MR CHUCKLES!! HELP!!!"

But there were no medics, no gorillas, instead I heard the Announcer go, "THE BID FOR CONTINUUENCE IS ACCEPTED. THE TRAP ROUND WILL NOW BEGIN. FIGHT!!!"

DINGDINGDINGDINGDINGDING went the bell and all of the sudden I saw the strangest thing. I was lying on my back and looking up at the lights, and a HUGE crane came down and lifted the cage off the rink, then ANOTHER crane came with a bunch of metal beams on it with a bunch of Cameras and Studio Lights, I was really confused and did not know what was going on.

"What's going on, I thought this was the Trap Round!!" I shouted, but then my words turned into screams because the BOTTOM OF THE RINK OPENED UP and me and Billiam Jameswater were falling down down down down into a dark pit!!

"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!" I Screamed and then I felt the Lethal Blow of a tile floor on my butt and my junk and I Screamed bloody murder, then I sat up just as the lights came on with a huge CHUNK and I couldnt believe what I was seeing.......

I was in a Japanese Bath House, just like the Edo Hot Baths that Master Honda had went to back on Archimedes, there was white tiles everywhere and a giant bath tub back on the back wall. There was a giant Paper Lantern hanging from one ceiling and a big painting of a crazy looking guy staring at the Japanese Sun, also there was a bunch of Sumo Diaper towels with Japanese writing on them hung up in the background and I was laying in the middle of what looked like it was a Sumo Practice rink.

I looked up at the lights and I Saw that they were cameras and lights, I yelled at them "HELLO?? AM I STILL IN THE MATCH??" But no one answered so I Got up and looked back at where I Had fell, there was blood and dook and barf everywhere, I Needed a bath, so I Went over to the Sumo Tub and I threw my loaded unitard down the toilet and I got in, the water was hot and had bubble bath in it, I Relaxed and tried to figure out what was going on, something seemed weird.....

Then all of a sudden I looked over and I Saw a plate of hamburgers by the door, "Huh, that's weird, that wasnt there before." But I was starving on account of all the barfing I had did earlier so I got out of the sumo tub and I got dried off and put on one of the togas I saw hanging on a peg on the wall, then I Went over and grabbed a burger. I Was just about to eat it and I felt the most horrible thing, a Rope went really tight around my ankle and yanked yanked HARD and I FLEW down the hallway, I didn't know where I was going and the burger went everywhere, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I Yelled and the hallway went by at light speed, then I SMASHED through one of the tile walls and I Was in another room, it was a fish tank room where the walls were made out of fish tanks and I Was hanging upside down by my ankle. "BALL DAMN IT!!!" I Screamed and I whipped the rope around, then I noticed a Bear trap sitting on top of a fish tank so I Started swinging back and forth on the rope until I was close enough to get the trap, then I pried it upside down apart and put it on the rope and made it go off

SNAP

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!" I Yelled and I CRASHED down on the floor, then I looked around and I saw someone had made another Snare trap across the doorway. "OH NO YOU DON'T!!" I Yelled and I grabbed a TV set that was sitting in the corner of the fish room and I Threw it at the trap, the snare went off and a HUGE hunting harpoon went KABLAM into the door frame, "HOLY SHIT!!!" I screamed, "THAT'S AGAINST THE RULES!!!"

"SINCE WHEN DO I PLAY BY THE RULES!!!" A voice that I Knew, it was BIlliam Jameswater, he came around the corner with 2 more snares in his hands he was using them like whips, whipping out one side and then whipping out the other, slowly coming at me.

"Yeah but a HARPOON???" I said, "Even I wont touch that and I microwaved my brain!!!" Except since I Had microwaved half my brain it came out like "Ebbblen I blonth thoppth that and I Microwaffpthed my brain" and spit went everyhwhere. "We're supposed to run Around like Idiots in here trying to trap each other until one of us gets trapped, thats NOT THE BATTLE OF A WARRIOR!!! I WANT MORTAL KOMBAT!!!" Screamed Billiam. "I WILL HAVE IT!!!"

"Ok then PREPARE YOURSELF!!!" I Shouted, I armed the Bear Trap and I Held it out in front of me like a shield, "COME AND GET IT ASSMUNCH!!!" BIlliam roared like a bear and came in with his Snares and he whipped one at me, it snared on my leg and I Got ripped down to the ground, as he was pulling me toward him I Whipped around on the ground and SMASHED the bear trap into his ass, Billiam let out a huge Womanly scream and started grabbing his butt, "RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH THERE'S A BEAR TRAP ON MY BUTT ITS PINCHING MY RECTUMS HOLY MOTHER OF GOD GET IT OFF ME" Then I ran over and I Roundhoused Billiam with my legs, that hurt a lot on account of they were broken and I went down HARD, Billiam was still jumping around with the Jaws of Life on his butt so I ran over and I Saw a umbrella stand and I Grabbed it and I Bashed Billiam over the head with it, Billiam roared again and acted all dizzy but then he ripped the bear trap off his butt and turned around and he smashed me in the face with his big fists, then he Snared my other ankle and flung me into the wall of fish tanks!! The glass blew up all over and the water went out and the rocks and fake plants Monsooned out, I saw a billion fish go by and one Bounced off my head as it fell out the tank, everything went down the drain and I was seeing Stars in front of my eyes

"GIVE UP NOW STEVE YOU ARE DEFEATED, EARN YOUR PLACE IN LIFE, AT THE BOTTOM LIKE ALWAYS"

"I'm not giving up!!!" I Said and I tried to get up and I power puked fish water and blue gravel out, then I Stood up and whipped a fish tank castle at Billiam, it bashed him in the face and he went over, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH!!!" Then I Ran over to the other side of the fish tank room and I Ripped the neon light out of the top of one of the tanks, then I came at him with it like it was a sword, "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH THAT STEVE LIGHT ME TO DEATH???" Billiam asked as he got up and started to come at me, "NOPE!!!" I Yelled and I ran out of the room, I Had saw a bathroom when I had got snared down the hall, I went back down the hall and found it, then I looked around, i Was in luck, there was a vending machine inside and It had what I needed, I picked up the trash can and I smashed out the front of the vending machine and I reached in and got the thing I Needed, a Jolly Jenny blowup doll, it was a thing I had saw on a TV commercial one time, I started blowing it up and running back down the hall to the Sumo bath, as soon as I got there I Tied Jolly Jenny's feet to some bar bells and I chucked her in the Sumo Tub, then I put a towel on top of her head and I went under the Sumo dressing table and plugged in the light, then I cut it off and I waited.

STOMP STOMP STOMP STOMP

"STEVE JENKINS I KNOW YOURE HIDING IN HERE, COME OUT SO I CAN FINISH YOU, I HAVE THIGS TO DO!!!" Billiam Jameswater Yelled, then I saw him come into the Sumo Bath area and he was standing near the training rink. Then he looked oer at the tub, I thought he had saw me but he didnt, he kept going to the tub. 'YOU KNOW AND I KNOW AND YOUR MOM AND DAD KNOW THAT YOURE A DISHONOR AND NOT WORTHY OF A BELT, I WILL GIVE YOU AN HONORABLE DEFEAT SO YOU CAN CLEAN THE LOCKER ROOM IN LESS SHAME!" He intoned, he was still moving to the Sumo Tub. All of the sudden I saw him put his leg over the side of the tub, he was going over to Jolly Jenny on account of he thought I was hiding under the Towel "I SEE YOU HIDING UNDER THAT TOWEL" he Whispered, then he did a Huge power fist and SMASHED it down on Jolly Jenny, the doll made a loud squeaky noise and then started to Deflate and flew out ouf the tub and blew all over the Sumo Locker Room, Billiam looked at it and went WHAT THE HELL?? Then I came SCREAMING out from under the Sumo Changing table doing a  huge Zen yell and I Turned on the light that was still plugged in under the table and I SLAMMED it down into the Sumo Tub, Billiam Jameswater looked at it for like 1/2 second and then there was this HUMONGOUS EXPLOSION Of electrical stuff and a huge BUZZZZZZZZZ and lots of CRACKLCRACKLECRACKLE noises and SMOKE started coming out of hte water and Billiam Jameswater started doing this scream that started really low and then went up higher and higher to a womanly Yell and his hair stood up and he was doing this weird crazy electrocution Dance and the next thing I Kne wI could see his huge skeleton glowing and I could see his skull which looked like it was laughing except it wasnt it was doing an eelctric scream and then there was another HUGE explosion and the light shorted out and all of the Bulbs blew out in the Sumo Bath and everything went dark.....................................

What the hell????

Did I get killed on accident???? Did I Kill Billiam????

"BILLIAM!" I Yelled "I'M REALLY SORRY FOR BARBECUING YOU IT WASNT PERSONAL!!!!"

In the dark I Heard a "Unnnnnnnnhhhhh"

Then all of the sudden the Floor started to lift, at first I thought it was my Mind THings messing up from the microwave treatment, but then I looke dup and the cameras and lights had went away and the WHOLE FLOOR was raising up back into the middle of the Dust Up Dome Rink. The closer we got to the room I could hear the audience cheering like mainiacs, also I heard WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS playing, as we came up into the Light I looked behind me and the Sumo Tub had came up too, Billiam was slumped over with smoke coming off his hair and murder in his eyes, a bunch of Confetti exploded over the rink and the Announcer ran over and some old lady ran over too and started hitting Billiam with an Umbrella, I guess she must have knew him, then I looked at the Announcer and he grabbed my wrist and jammed my ARm up in the air and yelled "STEVE JENKINS HAS WON A BLACK BELT, STEVE JENKINS IS NOW A MEMBER OF THE 24/7 CHAMPIONSHIP GYM AND ALSO THE NEW MASCOT OF DAVION DIAURETICS. WHEN YOU REALLY HAVE TO GO BUT YOU'VE GOT A KIDNEY STONE, REACH FOR DAVION DIURETICS."

"Wait what, I WON???" I asked, I couldn't believe it, I Had waited my whole life for this and now it was here??? I Looked at the Announcer without belief, then I sobbed with Joy and also because the painkillers were wore off

"Whats wrong???" The announcer asked, "NOTHING!!" I said "I'm SO HAPPY!!! I Can do honor by my family and also I Can come in and use the Toilets in participating locations when they cut the water off at my office!!!"

"Um yeha I guess" said the announcer, then he said "Here, here's your belt, wear it with Honor." Then he gave me abelt, I went to put it on and then I realized I Was still wearing a sumo robe, then I Shurgged and I put it on anyway, it looked like I Was wearing some kinda big ball gown now but I didn't care, I had won THE BELT. I looked in the audience but I didnt see Sensei Ronald or Master Honda or Jingles, I Sobbed because I Needed to find them and tell them of my Great SUccess, but then I saw another familiar face, he was running down the aisle and he jumped over the ropes and into the rink and came right at me, it was NICK SCHUSTER!!!

"Hi NIck, I won the championship for my belt Qualification!!" I Yelled, then I ripped off the Belt and showed it to Nick.

"Uh thats great but now your junk is showing on account of youre just wearing a robe for some reason, also WE HAVE TO GO NOW, THERES A HUGE GANG CHASING US!!!"

"WOW whatd I Miss??" I asked "COme on I'LL grab my gorilla and you can tell me all about it!!"

"Your GORILLA??" said Nick "We don't have time to screw around with that!!!"

"I DONT want to lose my security deposit!!!!" 

"OK FINE come on lets go!!!!"

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The Dust Up Dome
Haven, Twycross
Lyran Commonwealth
December 12, 3029
_______________________________________________

"Ok, fine, come on, let's go!" I shouted, taking Steve by the wrist and hauling ass across the sweaty-smelling sparring ring toward the stands filled with screaming fans. The place was ablaze with strobe lights, loud music, and drunkenness, smoke hung in the air and all types of rough looking folks were enthusiastically waving their arms and chanting "Masher." I looked at Steve as we climbed over the ropes.

"What the hell does "Masher" mean?" I asked, yelling over the chaos. Steve grinned at me and grabbed his duffel bag.

"Oh it's the end of the show where a guy drives a monster truck through the rink and destroys the fighting stage, it's awesome, are you sure we don't have time to stay and watch?? They say that sometimes he runs over vending machines and stuff!"

"Yes I'm positive, now where is this gorilla of yours?" I asked as some song called The Final Countdown started blaring over the speakers.

"Oh Mr. Chuckles? He's right there!" Steve said. He was slurring a lot, I wasn't sure if it was alchohol or if he had taken too many hits to the head, either way, we'd figure it out when we were back aboard the ship. I looked where Steve was pointing and there was a literal 800-pound gorilla sitting in one of the arena seats with a cigarette balanced with precision in his fingers and a can of beer crushed in his fist. Disturbingly, the ape was also wearing a tie for some reason.

"THAT's a rental animal? Good god, I don't know how that's legal, how are we going to get him inside a Swiftwind?" I asked in disbelief.

"Don't you worry about it Mistor Schustor!" Steve giggled and he walked over to the gorilla and took the cigarette out of its hand. The ape snarled and raised a lip at Jenkins, but the Sergeant seemed totally unfazed and looked back at me.

"He gets mad when you take his smokes and that was the last one. He'll follow us now." said Steve.

I looked at the ape. "Just be sure you give that cigarette back to him if he starts getting cranky. I don't want my arms getting ripped out of their sockets because he's got a nicotine craving."

"Aye aye Cap'n Crunch!!" Jenkins exclaimed.

"Congratulations on your black belt by the way." I added, sprinting through the arena doors and holding them for the MechWarrior and the monkey to come through. Steve smiled a toothy grin from half of his face.

"Oh, and for Blake's sake," I added, "put it on. It'll keep your robe closed."

###

The Swiftwind tore through town, leaving a billowing cloud of dust behind it as we bounced over a ton of potholes. Every time we hit a rut, Mr. Chuckles bounced into the ceiling of the tiny vehicle and let out a disgruntled roar. Steve grinned maniacally, apparently thrilled by my lunatic driving.

"Ok, where did you say this rental place was?" I kept glancing at the Swiftwind's radar plotter in paranoia, waiting for the inevitable hostile sensor pings to start.

"Uh, it's like, 3 blocks over up next to the adult video store, just past the food cart?" Steve replied from the cargo compartment, sounding uncertain. I looked in the rear view mirror at him with consternation.

"You don't have an address or anything? I asked.

"No, the only address I had was on printed on the unitard I had to wear for the Combat Match, and I don't have it anymore on account of I accidentally crapped my pants in the fight and so I threw my unitard down the toilet, that's why I have this AWESOME Sumo robe on!" Steve said gleefully. "Hey, check out that bus!"

"What bu..." I began, my words stuttering out as I saw up ahead a huge, battered old school bus bristling with weapons parked sideways across the road. A bunch of crazy looking raider types were standing outside it with the most mismatched and random bunch of weapons I've ever seen at the ready, one of which was definitely a rocket launcher. As we sped toward them, I heard a sudden sharp ping and then the unmistakable sound of safety glass cracking. A big spiderweb of fractured glass splintered across the Swiftwind's windisheld.

"OH SHIT!" I exclaimed and jerked the wheel of the Swiftwind sideways, putting us into an out of control 90 degree turn. A whole bunch of metallic pings followed and rattled down the side of the car. Mr. Chuckles bellowed angrily as his beer sloshed all over the back compartment and Steve screamed at the top of his lungs.

"OH MY GOD I JUST GOT MY HONOR BACK I DON'T WANNA DIE LIKE THIS!" Steve yelled as he tumbled around with the gorilla in the back compartment. 

"You think I do???" I yelled and floored the gas, taking us down a side street and doing a hard left onto another dilapidated road that was halfway covered in sand. The sound of tires screeching behind us made me look in the mirror and I saw a big ratty Humvee and a beat up Jeep with a gatling gun on it in hot pursuit, as the Humvee came around the turn behind us it ran up on a curb and smashed through a couple of vendor stands before straightening out. I heard even more weapon fire and a huge bang as the Swiftwind's comm dish got ripped off in a hail of bullets.

"Don't you have any guns you can shoot at them??" Steve cried out. "Ow! Mr. Chuckles! Get off me! Your tonails hurt!"

"No, this is a scout vehicle!" I shot back jerking the wheel from side to side to try and avoid as many bullets as I could. Suddenly, I heard a low foom and a contraol of smoke rocketed out ahead of the Swiftwind. Then, a huge explosion with a bright orange fireball erupted from the road straight ahead of us.

"HOLY HELL!" I yelled and yanked the wheel hard to the left. The Swiftwind swerved aggressively off the road and rand down into a ditch, smashed through a fence, crushed over a lone tree, and bounced and shuddered through some desert scrub before getting back on the road. I floored the accelerator, taking the car up to its maximum speed of 162 km/h. Slowly, the hellions that were chasing us began falling further and further behind. I grabbed my headset and stuffed it in my ear, slapping the comm button.

"Rebus to Control, come in control!"

"Control here, go ahead Rebus."

"Control, I am coming in HOT, and I do mean hot! That "battle bus" thing? It found me, and its got two other war wagons with it! I've got Dionysus and, uh, a gorilla."

"Say that last part again Rebus?"

"A gorilla. I'll explain it all when we're off the planet, right now I recommend you get the engines hot, these guys have got missiles! You might want to fire up the Raven or something depending on how long you think it's going to take to dust off!"

"Copy that Rebus, just get here safe, we'll be ready to shove off as quick as we can."

I looked in the rear view mirror at Steve, who was hunkered down in the back compartment with a terrified look on his face.

"I'm sorry, Steve, but I don't think you're getting your security deposit back today! We're getting the hell out of here!"

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En route to Plutus Docks
Haven, Twycross
Lyran Commonwealth
December 12, 3029
_______________________________________________

"You might want to fire up the Raven or something depending on how long you think it's going to take to dust off!"

Nick was calling for a BattleMech. The turn of events our operation had taken was unbelievable. What started out as a simple grab-and-dash had now evidently escalated into a situation that had a Lyran military officer requesting activation of the heaviest form of armored cavalry available to human beings. It was certainly not the twist I'd expected when I rolled out of bed this morning.

"What's your situation, Rebus?" I asked, motioning for Bishop to lay on the gas. The Lieutenant nodded and shoved the Hover APC's throttle to full, causing the transport to tilt forward as its propulsion fans churned out their maximum thrust.

"Uhhh, it's an armored bus with a shit-ton of guns, a Jeep with an SRM-2 and some other weapons, looked like a SAW and maybe a flamer, and a Humvee with an autocannon and I don't know what else," Nick replied breathlessly. In the background, I could hear Steve screaming and what sounded like the howls of an angry primate. "They got us multiple times; some glass breaches and probably a dozen or more hull punctures, but we're out ahead of them for the moment. I don't think they're giving up this chase, though, and I'm worried about what might happen if they get a bead on us when we're going wheels-up, to say nothing of what they'd likely do if they caught us on the ground."

"Understood, how far out are you?" I asked.

"We're just over 2.4 kilometers from the spaceport; you?" Schuster asked. I looked at the nav computer.

"1.7 kilometers," I responded. "Just a short distance ahead of you. We're not much better in a fight than your Swiftwind is, and we're heavy with cargo and personnel ourselves. Stay on course for the spaceport; we'll board ahead of you and have the ship ready for dustoff."

"Roger that, sir, we're coming in hot!" Schuster exclaimed.

"Eden to Control," I continued. To my surprise, the voice of Nikki Harlow responded.

"This is Control; what kind of a shitshow are you bringing my way, Captain?"

"We may have stirred up a hornet's nest and need you to be ready to shove off as soon as the Swiftwind is in the cargo bay," I answered, climbing up into the APC's turret and dropping awkwardly into the gunner's chair as the G-forces of our frantic flight across the desert pushed me around. Pulling the targeting scope down over my eyes, I began scanning the landscape behind us.

"So your fiancée told me, right before she started disrobing on my bridge and then ran to the cargo bay without as much as logging off her terminal. She's lucky I like her," Harlow deadpanned.

"Disrobe - wait a sec, is she piloting the Raven?" I asked. The APC gave a sudden, jarring lurch as it began skipping across the uneven terrain that comprised the final stretch of land between the town and the spaceport.

"Well, yes, given that you all went off on an ill-advised joyride and Jenkins is presumably getting his face kicked in at the moment, we were decidedly short of 'Mech jocks."  Nikki responded.

"Patch me through to her, please," I answered, staring with concern at a large cloud of dust that had begun billowing at the distant horizon off our stern and which now seemed to be drawing closer. The comm channel chirped and the sound of shuffling noises filled my headset's speakers. A moment later, I heard Alyssa's muffled voice.

"...no Blake-damned time to wait for you to get the cooling vest circulator back online, I'll just take her out the way she is! Here, take this, I guess I won't be needing it!"

Another shuffling noise ensued, this time the characteristic sound of fabric being pulled over a microphone, followed by a loud "thwop" of someone presumably catching Chase's cooling vest. I cleared my throat to try to get Alyssa's attention.

"Radar, this is Eden, everything ok?" I asked.

"Eden? Sorry about that, I was having a difference of opinion with one of our 'Mech techs - seems that going out into the desert heat in a BattleMech cockpit without a cooling vest on a 52-degree Celsius day is considered a "bad idea."  He seemed genuinely shocked at my intent to go through with it anyway. Well, either that, or the fact that I showed up in the cargo bay in my bare essentials in anticipation of such a problem. Never can tell with these kids."

"If this were any other time, I'd have any number of witty replies to that," I chuckled grimly. "As it stands, I'll just say thank you. I don't know how much of Nick's traffic you caught, but we're seriously outgunned and coming in hot, and there is a distinct threat to flight operations."

"I copied, sounds like we've got the war wagon and its two bastardized friends coming to the party. Nothing I can't handle. You just get yourself in safely."

Alyssa paused for a moment. In the background of the transmission, I heard the unmistakable sounds of a BattleMech's computer system powering up.

"We'll do our best. Be prepared to bail out of the world the moment Rebus is on deck in Cargo Bay One. You may need to stay at the controls of the Raven until we're in orbit to keep it from getting thrown around the hangar; I don't think we're going to have time to get the vehicles or the 'Mech locked down once they're inside."

"I'll be sure to keep Dexter's toy nice and shiny," Alyssa responded. "See you shortly."

###

A few minutes later...

Plutus Docks
Haven, Twycross
Lyran Commonwealth
December 12, 3029
_______________________________________________

As we drew near to the spaceport, I watched clouds of dust and sand billowing from the underside of the Hurry Up Bessie, the ship's engines alight and poised to push us away from the surface of Twycross at a moment's notice. Clambering down from the turret into the passenger compartment, I looked toward our unexpected passenger.

"Now, listen, I understand this whole thing has been a barrel of laughs for you up to this point - "

"Oy!" Clare interrupted. "Don't take that tone with me, I'm still holding the cards here, remember?" the woman replied with indignation.

I took a deep breath, choosing to ignore the interjection. "...but when we get on board, I would consider it a kindness if you'd follow our lead until we're safely out of the world. If your friends, or whoever they are, manage to land a rocket or some other Blake-forsaken thing in our drive units or in an open cargo bay while we're lifting off, your free trip off this rock is going to be a lot shorter than you'd hoped."

"Ok, fine, but you mean to tell me that a bunch of thugs in used vehicles with guns strapped to their hoods can't stand up to some chick driving a 'Mech around in her underwear with no cooling system?" Claire grinned. "What kind of an outfit is this?"

A sudden explosion off the port side of the APC threw me violently off balance. As I struggled to regain my footing, Bishop called out the sitrep as though he'd been reading my mind.

"That was definitely an SRM, Captain, and it was too close for my comfort. I think they've made us," Weyland growled as he turned the Hover APC onto the spaceport's tarmac. I pulled myself back up into the turret and grabbed the scope. My heart sank as I saw three eclectic, heavily-armed vehicles, one of which was a former school bus, bearing down on us. Just ahead of the marauders was Nick Schuster's Swiftwind, moving like a bat out of hell across the desert sands toward us.

"Alyssa, where's that Raven?" I pressed, looking frantically in all directions for some sign of the friendly BattleMech. Just then, I saw the enormous biped stomping directly toward us, its sleek, birdlike form unmistakable in the afternoon haze.

"I'm here, Eden; I'll cover you while you and Rebus get your teams and vehicles aboard. Wish me luck."

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Plutus Docks
Haven, Twycross
Lyran Commonwealth
December 12, 3029
_______________________________________________

As the Hover APC tore inbound, I wiped sweat from my brow and squinted into the late day sun that bobbed and weaved ahead of me under the Raven's lumbering gait. Though I'd only had the BattleMech underway for a few minutes, the heat level in the cockpit was already becoming uncomfortable. Since we hadn't been planning on committing any borderline Ares Convention violations while visiting Haven, the 'Mech had been in the middle of a maintenance cycle, as had the rest of the bipeds being carried in the Hurry Up Bessie's cargo bay, until I'd shown up demanding like a stark raving crazy person to get one of them back into service. The flustered 'Mech tech who'd become the unfortunate recipient of my request had at least managed to get all of the war machine's access hatches snapped back in place and the critical weapon systems fired up, but Aether was currently missing several key components - among them, its ambient light sensor and the coolant circulator necessary to keep its pilot from roasting alive during protracted combat.

I gritted my teeth and pushed the Raven toward the ragtag fence surrounding the decrepit landing compound. I was hoping to get a sensor read on the hostiles charging toward us, intent on retrieving their ill-gotten goods, but I wanted to avoid leaving the grounds of Plutus Docks as much as I could. In the event that someone decided to alert the authorities to a mercenary unit operating a 35-ton walking tank outside of an active combat zone with its weapons hot, I'd have a much more believable alibi if I could prove I was never actually off the spaceport's property.

Fine-tuning the BattleMech's electronic warfare (EW) equipment to its maximum sensor fidelity, I drew the giant steel bird up alongside a dilapidated Quonset hut and maneuvered it into a crouch. Watching the incoming target feed, I smiled grimly as two bogies began to resolve themselves. The EW suite was a self-contained, 7-ton computer with its own dedicated radar, infrared, visible light and seismic detectors, accompanied by an electronic countermeasures (ECM) unit that disrupted hostile targeting scans. As the Raven's sensor array scanned the surrounding area, the incoming data was analyzed by the EW computer core and cross-referenced with its own secondary sensors. If an anomaly was detected, the machine performed a more detailed sensor sweep of the target area. This system enabled the Raven to detect and classify other battlefield units whether they were camouflaged or even shut down, regardless of local terrain or electronic warfare interference. It wasn't a quick process, but it gave the operator a decisive tactical advantage, while the ECM cloak bought the Raven valuable time to escape in the event that its cover threatened to be compromised.

The two sensor hits on my plotter shifted from a bright red to a lime green as the computer acquired their friendly IFF signatures and flagged them accordingly. The nearer of the two targets was the Hover APC carrying Lieutenants Weyland and Jaeger, Captain Maxwell, Octavia Incendio, and, presumably, the hostage-taker, along with however much of the Irian shipment the group managed to recover before being forced to retreat. The more distant contact was the Swiftwind ferrying Nick Schuster, Steve Jenkins, and their own colorful passenger back to our transport. As the EW suite continued its scans, the Hover APC roared directly past my BattleMech, leaving a hail of sand and loose pebbles in its wake.

"Radar to Control - package alpha is onsite. I have package beta on my scope. No sign of the OpFor just yet," I reported.

"Copy that, Radar; we'll begin receiving in the package momentarily and start pre-launch sequencing." 

A sudden, grainy mass at the top of my plotter caught my focus, and I moved the Raven forward as far as I could to try and get a stronger sensor acquisition. As I did so, the EW suite began tagging the contacts, bathing them in yellow gradient, as they were broadcasting no IFF signals. Moments later, definitive labels were applied to the sensor pings - an RMS-1 Routemaster bus,  a JP-47 Jeep, and a SKD-2G Škoda "Growler" utility truck. The results confirmed what I already suspected - this was our hostile force - and they were drawing perilously close to the Swiftwind, which seemed to be struggling in the desert heat as it came into view, radiating heat and slowing considerably.

"Radar to Control - I have hostile sensor contacts! Rebus is in visual range but looks like he's about to be overtaken. I'm engaging!"

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As Schuster's Swiftwind roared past me, I jockeyed the Raven ninety degrees, driving it out of the spaceport's gate and onto the narrow access road that stood between the landing pad and the main road. Almost immediately, a hail of bullets assaulted my BattleMech's right flank, and I jerked the machine's torso to face the oncoming assault. The Jeep and Growler were out ahead of the Routemaster, unleashing a myriad of high-caliber rounds in my direction. I swung the Raven's targeting reticule over the Jeep, noting grimly that it was indeed bedecked with what looked like a massive, .50 caliber machine gun, a single-shot rocket launcher, and a flamer. Just behind it, my targeting computer made out an AC/5 and a full SRM-2 retrofit to the Growler. The bus was still too far out for me to get a solid read on it, but I had bigger problems at the moment. The Growler was in range and had opened fire, its first autocannon round missing the mark and obliterating a section of compound wall behind me. This wasn't going to be the simple stomp-and-laugh by which most vehicle engagements against 'Mechs ended. It was going to be a brawl.

I opened fire at the Jeep with the Raven's twin medium lasers, one of which flew wide, the other lancing across the vehicle's hood and melting one of the body panels. As I reversed slowly into the spaceport, hoping to draw the vehicles into a tighter quarter, the Jeep returned fire with its machine gun, heavy rounds landing true and inflicting considerable damage against my Raven's leg armor. I pushed the throttle up and snapped off a full volley of SRM-6 warheads, half of which landed on the vehicle, while another two overshot their target and slammed into the oncoming bus at the rear of the formation. The last warhead sailed off into the desert wastes, exploding violently in a patch of scrub and setting it alight. By now, the Growler had fully entered engagement range and unleashed a pair of SRM-2 missiles directly at me. I braced myself against the Raven's controls as I watched the explosives corkscrew in and attempted a desperate evasive twist, but the move was pointless. The rockets detonated with considerable force against my Raven's exposed left flank, orange blossoms of flame spitting angrily out from the impact site. Much to my surprise, the fire abruptly increased in intensity, spreading across three-quarters of the Raven's torso, and as the machine's battle computer wailed a heat alarm, I realized I'd been hit with Inferno rounds. My BattleMech was covered in burning adhesive gel.

"Shit!" I exclaimed, yanking the Raven back on target as I continued to retreat from the vehicles. Drawing a bead on the closing Jeep, I unleashed a combined-arms laser and missile fusillade directly into its windshield. The Raven's DI computer wailed in protest, plastering the word OVERHEAT across my HUD as I watched the Jeep go up in a fiery conflagration. The celebration was short-lived; much to my surprise, the Growler was utterly undeterred by the demise of its partner, plowing straight through the wreckage of the Jeep to deliver a debilitating blow to my Raven's left leg with its autocannon while slinging another pair of Inferno missiles directly into my cockpit canopy. Brutalized, the BattleMech bucked and stumbled wildly, crashing through the wall of a ramshackle hangar building and very nearly toppling over in the process. I found myself staring through flaming adhesive at the tarmac, suspended in a forward position from my pilot's harness as I fought to bring the 'Mech level again. I managed to get off another round of blind laser fire despite the protestations of the DI computer, which painted a wildly flashing HEAT LEVEL CRITICAL message against my line of sight. I glanced at the thermal readouts on the Raven's wireframe, noting grimly that the missile storage compartment was fast approaching cook-off temperature, while the cockpit itself was nearly 48 degrees Celsius. While survivable with an operable cooling vest, this temperature, in my current situation, could quickly become fatal. Indeed, it was already taking its toll; my breathing was coming in labored gasps and my vision was starting to blur.

"Fuck this," I muttered, shifting the Raven into a flanking run and thumbing the fusion reactor's emergency purge switch, discharging as much of the 'Mech's precious engine coolant as I dared in a desperate attempt to bring the machine down to a less dangerous operating threshold.

"Come again, Radar?" Nikki's voice crackled.

"Don't worry about it!" I wheezed. "What's the situation over there?" I had only a split second to push locks of sweat-drenched hair from my face before the Growler swung into sight again. Craning my neck to see around the angry flames that still blazed directly in my field of view, I let fly a flight of SRM-6 rounds, their chemical engines leaving an oddly-appropriate brimstone smell of cordite in their wake as they soared toward the oncoming truck. This time, all six warheads tore into the light transport's flank, ripping through its hull and touching off its ammunition storage. The Growler exploded with such force that several buildings in the immediate area were flattened, and I felt the resultant shockwave from within my Raven. No sooner had the Growler finished self-immolating than the Routemaster trundled into the fray, half a dozen turrets blazing from windows that had been converted to armored gunports. Under the assault, one of my Raven's medium lasers was almost immediately wrought from its mount, and I had only a fraction of a second to react before jets of superheated plasma shot out of the bus's undercarriage, setting my 'Mech's torso aflame again. The strategy of my assailants had become clear: under a protracted incendiary assault, the BattleMech's DI computer could be forced into an overheat-induced shutdown, allowing the raiders to lay siege and capture the machine - and me along with it. I didn't intend to let that happen.

"We're not quite there yet, Radar; the APC was badly overloaded and we need to secure at least some of its cargo before we can dust off. Otherwise, we risk having a multi-ton projectile flying around inside the bay at gravity shift. Can you buy us a couple of minutes?" Nikki replied.

"A couple of minutes might be all I have left," I coughed, noting that I was absolutely drenched in sweat, a condition which, in the current temperature, threatened hypothermia. Wheeling the Raven around, I ordered the machine into a limping, sluggish run, withdrawing from the engagement and ducking behind an expansive warehouse. As I rounded the backside of the building, I noticed that one of its bay doors was just large enough to accommodate my BattleMech. Throwing caution to the wind, I pushed the Raven inside, smashing several crates and obliterating a forklift underfoot. Once fully indoors, I quickly shut the 'Mech down, hoping that the combination of EW gear and diminished power signature would function effectively as a cloak until I could get Aether cooled down.

As I reached out to adjust the tactical plotter, I noticed that my hands were shaking violently, and I was beginning to feel cold.

"Fuck!" I exclaimed. I'd learned about the wet-bulb effect in survival training as an Acolyte. With too much moisture in the air at too high a temperature, sweat wouldn't evaporate effectively, robbing the body of its ability to regulate its own temperature. Hypothermia, rapid pulse, a change in mental status, faintness, and coma would follow. I frantically tore off my neurohelmet and fumbled to unbuckle the pilot's harness, tumbling out of the chair and scrambling to open the hatch above my head. A rush of warm, dry air billowed in. Thinking quickly, I yanked off my drenched top and cast it aside, the garment landing with a wet thwop somewhere in the confines of the cockpit as the gust of desert air raged across my exposed skin. Incredibly, as hot as it was outside, the air felt cool and goosebumps flared across my torso as evaporation again took hold. I sagged against the wall of the Raven's cockpit momentarily, listening to the ominous roar of the bus's engine as it circled nearby. Evidently, its crew hadn't given up on trying to find me.

"Radar to Control," I gasped, "how soon?"

"Radar, you don't sound too hot," Nikki replied with concern in her tone.

"Believe me, I'm very hot," I quipped sarcastically, closing my eyes and shoving drenched handfuls of hair out of my face. "How much longer do you need these idiots kept at bay?"

"Stand by," Harlow replied. As I waited for an update, I opened my eyes, noting the Raven's emergency survival locker. Yanking it open, I found a hydration pack and a thermal blanket. Uncapping the drink, I downed its bitter, electrolyte-heavy contents in a matter of gulps before grabbing the thermal blanket and toweling off as best I could. I'd just finished when I heard the bus's engine growl louder.

"Eden says we're locked and loaded. Bring it in, Chase!" the Captain replied.

"Those were the words I was waiting to hear," I deadpanned, reaching up to slam the Raven's hatch. Casting the thermal blanket on the floor near the pilot's chair, I climbed back onto the command couch and slipped on its neurohelmet, fastening the seat's four-point harness as I did so. Taking several heavy breaths to clear my vision, I toggled the Raven's systems back to active status, its fusion reactor roaring to life and posture stiffening as the war machine came back online. Almost immediately, the battle computer's threat alarm wailed with a proximity alert, and I realized that the Routemaster was directly outside the warehouse. Checking the tactical readout being fed to me by the EW computer, I noted with chagrin that the battle wagon appeared to be in better repair than my own machine was at this juncture.

"Control, I don't suppose we have time to get one of the UAVs up, do we?" I asked.

"Not if you don't intend to leave it planetside," Nikki responded. "What's up?"

"Never mind. I'll handle the situation myself. Give me a waypoint to those giant fuel tanks just outside the berth, please," I grumbled.

"The fuel tanks? Why?" 

"No time to explain. Just do it," I insisted as I began moving the Raven slowly down the length of the warehouse. Abruptly, a barrage of bullets tore a line of Swiss-cheesed holes through a corrugated wall to my left, daylight pouring in through the openings. The Routemaster had found me.

"Alright, here you go, but for Blake's sake, don't keep us waiting. We need to get out of here. We've got more tangoes inbound," Harlow responded, a green nav point winking into existence on my HUD.

"Don't worry, I'm bringing the party to you now," I replied, slamming the Raven's throttle to full. The birdlike 'Mech lunged forward, throwing me against the pilot's chair as, in an instant, the biped was catapulted to its maximum speed of 97 KPH. The far wall of the warehouse raced toward me, and I braced myself for impact. A second later, with a bone-jarring collision that threw me into the harness so hard that I felt my skin lacerate, the Raven smashed through the towering bulkhead, exploding out into the daylight amidst a hail of debris. Almost immediately, autocannon fire thrashed along the 'Mech's rear quarter as the Routemaster reacquired its prey and closed in for the kill. Recovering my bearings, I steered the Raven into a breakneck run directly for the waypoint, the hover bus easily keeping pace with me. Another shot tore into my 'Mech's rear armor, its damage wireframe flashing an angry red before darkening the ravaged section of armor entirely, indicating that my reactor casing was now exposed. I gritted my teeth, ducking and weaving the BattleMech as the fuel tanks drew near, the Hurry Up Bessie looming directly beyond.

"Radar, what are you doing?" Nikki asked, the tone in her voice evidence that by now, she was likely seeing my desperate flight on the Mule's external cameras.

"Don't worry about it," I responded, bracing myself for what was about to come next. "Just get ready to dust off. Start closing the doors."

"But you're not on board yet!" Harlow protested. "I'm not gonna just leave you out there!"

"Start closing the doors now," I insisted. Another impact jolted the Raven. Internal damage indicators screamed.

"I'm going to live to regret this," Nikki sighed. "Clearing all moorings. Beginning pre-launch sequence."

The fuel tanks were dead ahead. The Routemaster continued its assault. The gut-wrenching sound of metal being torn from Aether's hull, paired with a calamitous detonation, indicated that I'd just lost the SRM6 launcher.

Thirty meters...twenty...ten...five...

At the last possible second, I jerked the Raven's control yoke hard to the right, sending the 'Mech into a careening, wildly out-of-control right hand turn. The spaceport rolled drunkenly past my viewport as I was jolted hard to the left, fighting to keep the war machine stabilized. Behind me, an apocalyptic explosion that defied the very heavens in its volume and depth heralded the demise of the Routemaster as it collided full force with the spaceport's fuel tanks and set them ablaze, the resulting fireball burning so intensely that, for a moment, it seemed as though the Twycross system had birthed a second sun. Furtively, I located the Hurry Up Bessie and drove madly toward it, barreling full bore toward its rapidly-closing cargo bay. I hurtled the Raven up the retracting boarding gantry and through the narrowing aperture of its pressure door, hearing the 'Mech's cockpit scraping against the descending steel as I did so. The moment I was through, I brought Aether to a screeching halt, locking its legs in place, a cascade of sparks spraying from its clawed toes as metal resisted against metal and inertia continued to carry the thirty-five ton machine forward. With a unceremonious crunch, the Raven came to rest against the far wall of the cargo bay. I breathed a sigh of relief, slapping the auto-shutdown toggle on the command console, feeling the 'Mech settling into a resting position as the Hurry Up Bessie pushed away from the surface of Twycross. Pulling off my neurohelmet, I tossed the appliance aside and fell back against the command chair, closing my eyes and breathing a cathartic sigh. It was over. We were finally underway.

###

Approximately fifteen minutes later...

A low chime indicated the success of our orbital insertion and the conclusion of gravity shift as we thrust away from Twycross, leaving the desert world behind us to ply our way toward the system jump point. I slowly opened my eyes, hearing muffled voices entering the cargo bay. At length, I unbuckled my harness and pulled myself to my feet, hobbling over to the Raven's cockpit hatch and pushing it open. I felt a cool breeze waft in and goosebumps form along my skin. Casting a resentful glare at my still-soaked top lying in the corner, I grabbed the thermal blanket and threw it around my shoulders before climbing up Aether's ladder. To my surprise, Charles was already outside the cockpit, riding atop a scissor lift. As I emerged from the machine's depths, the Captain looked me over with a bemused expression and a raised eyebrow.

"Just another day at the office," I quipped with a smile. "Come on. Let's go home."

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