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Off topic: Bathroom Battle

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Dedicated to Steve Jenkins for his super fun writing style, and the previous residents of our townhouse for their awful pest management.


I was freshening up to try to impress a guy, when I saw the Worst Possible Thing: a cockroach in the bathroom! Captain Maxwell would never want to date me again if he knew my bathroom was full of Horrible Roaches!!! (Except that we are married and also it is his bathroom too.) And I didn't even have any shoes on, so I had nothing to squash it with!

So I RAN out of the toilet room and got a roll of paper towels and RAN back in and then I tried to beat it to death with the whole roll of paper towels, but it kept moving! "I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU!!!" I yelled, and I smacked it again and again. Then I took a bunch of paper towels off the roll so that it wouldn't have any cockroach guts on it when the next person had to use it, and used them to pick up the roach corpse, but I couldn't throw it away because the bathroom trash can was too small for such a big wad of paper towels and roach corpse.

So I took it downstairs to the kitchen trash can, and said "I just saw the most Horrible thing!"

"Did you see another roach?" Maxwell asked, because he lives here and already knows that the previous tenants left their roaches behind when they moved out.

I said yes, and Maxwell said he knew how to fix the problem, with new ULTRATRAPS that have a high-tech poison in them that makes the roaches burp fire and incinerate all the other roaches in the nest so that you don't have to see them any more. "But don't roaches nest in the walls? The landlord will be really mad if we burn the building down!" I Said. But Maxwell explained, "don't worry, it's special insect-only fire that only burns up roaches and Things." So Maxwell set out the traps, and then we waited for all the roaches to get burnt up in a fiery conflagration of burping.

Edited by Thermo Man
  • Haha 3
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